Never been good with titles...

Hail Yon Long-Winded Blogger!

2012-03-10T17:58:00.013-08:00

I've decided I want to write more... seems like blogging may be a dying fad, but this is where I'm gonna do it for now. There's just something about publishing my thoughts publicly that holds me more accountable to my conviction... maybe that's shallow, I don't know. And at the moment I don't really care.

My first re-entry to the blogosphere is a bit of a cop-out, though. I'm actually just going to copy and paste an e-mail I sent to the pastor of a church in Greenville back in August of 2011. It more or less chronicles my story over the past few years, and I think this is a good launching point for me. I've needed to make this story public for a while now. Not that I'm guaranteed anyone at all will read it... but for my sake.

If you make it through the whole thing... thanks for reading. And I hope you are encouraged.

If not... you have an attention span as good as mine :)

"Hey brother,

I'm just going to warn you and let you know this may be a long e-mail, so sorry about that. I know they can be tedious to read. But I wanted to share with you what happened to me last night at Radius and how the Lord worked through you guys. I do have to back up a bit to give you the proper context, but I'll try not to get carried away.

Let me start off by saying it is a miracle that you opened up to John 9 last night.

I graduated from AU with a degree in Christian Ministries early May 2009. I had planned on staying in Anderson with my band, get a random job to pay bills, and enroll in a Masters of Social Work program within the year... but a week before graduation God called me to serve as worship pastor at a new church plant in Conway/Myrtle Beach, SC. I was surprisingly at peace with it (how I was confident it was God leading), because over the last 2 years of my college career I went through a heavy bout of depression and anxiety and thought it was certainly a bad idea to rip myself from the support system I'd grown to love and appreciate in my friends from AU.

But He called and I had no problem going. I would stay in Anderson with my band for three months to finish up our tour dates, then move to the low country & the dirty Myrtle in August.

After graduation I began to enjoy scripture for the first time in a long time... I don't know how much you know/have heard about the CM program at AU, but there's a lot of debate involved and by the end of four years I was quite drained. I read John 1 over and over and over again for 2 weeks after graduation, amazed at the incarnation and the beauty of it, grateful to have a refound love of the Word...

And then I was out taking engagement pictures of one of my old roommates and his bride-to-be when I got a call that one of my best friends had finally lost his 14 month battle with leukemia. I was shattered.

My last few years at AU I began to fall more in the reformed/sovereignty of God camp. Not in the annoying arrogant way where I professed to know all and totally get how the Spirit works and all, just in the "holy crap have you read Romans 9 and Ephesians 1 and John 11 and like... the whole Old Testament?!" But when this happened... I was not OK with God. My friend, Will... he was a man of God, dude. He loved the Lord deep and hard, and when he was diagnosed with cancer his response to the physician was "My whole life I've wanted to lead someone to Christ... if it takes dying, so be it." Who even talks like that? But that was Will.

Wills death was one of a few benchmarks for what would be a trying 2 years for me. I lost interest in Scripture again, frustrated that God would take someone so willing to serve Him and to allow Will to endure such suffering before it was over. What I hated more than anything, though, was that I had one weekend I could have gone to see Will a month before he passed... and I didn't. In hindsight, I don't even know why. So stupid.

Anyway I moved down to the dirty Myrtle in August and began serving alongside a soon-to-be very dear friend of mine to plant what would become Providence Church. As I'm sure you're aware new church plants don't pay the bills, and as a recent college grad with little work experience outside of ministry it was very difficult to acquire a job. Three months passed, I was down to my last couple hundred bucks (soon to be rent), and I finally landed a job in retail at the Tanger Outlets in NMB. Working at Nautica... which if you knew me would be funny, I'm pretty much a t-shirt and cargo shorts kinda guy.

My time at MB was tough, though. It was hard to meet new people and make the connections I wanted to... such an interesting city. I'm not sure if it was the tourism that made it difficult or what, but time passed and I became very lonely. Demons I thought I buried midway through college came to the surface again as I had a lot of downtime, but quite honestly it didn't bother me a whole lot because to me, God was a deal-breaker. Will never should have died, and I wasn't ok with how He let things happen.

Fast forward several months and I switched jobs, began working at a boy's home in Conway. Loved my boys there... all african american teenage males. It took quite a while to earn their respect... in their defense, I totally understand being hesitant to listen to some young white prick coming in and telling me to clean my room or pick up after myself at dinner. I wasn't much older than some of them. Though I loved my boys, some issues and concerns came to the surface that greatly impeded my ability to do my job well there. Details aren't necessary, I don't think... it was just tough. I have the utmost respect for the people who remain there and will forever treasure my time with them... but at that point in my life, I was struggling.

Long story short, my last 8 months or so in Horry County were characterized by bitterness for people who weren't what I had initially thought, frustration as our leadership fell out of contact and got busy with our full-time jobs (which were initially purposed mainly to pay the bills) and growth seemed so difficult, continuing to wrestle with those aforementioned demons, discouragement from a couple failed relationships with women who I thought were among the select few who could ever accept me WITH those demons and help me with them, and overall isolation as my work schedule shifted to 6 nights a week and my personal life was reduced to working out and watching TV series' on Netflix because everyone was at work when I wasn't, and vice-versa. I had to get out of there.

Overall, God and I weren't really on speaking terms. Which is ridiculous because I was leading worship via music on a weekly basis and praying corporately, but my personal walk was non-existant. Looking back now I figure its because I felt like God screwed me over. I willingly gave up my friends, proximity to my family, my life savings, and my dream to move to MB, and my reward was... what? Frustration, rejection, isolation, stagnation, exploitation? I mean I never set out to MB with the intention of receiving some sort of "reward" for my obedience, but I certainly wasn't expecting what DID come of it.

At the beginning of May I reached the final stages of an interview process with AU as a Residence Director for one of the dorm areas on campus, and was offered the job. I quickly accepted, promptly put in my notice where necessary, and moved back to Anderson within a month. In case the timeline isn't exactly clear... this was a month and a half ago.

Since I've been back to AU, my spiritual starvation has been increasingly apparent. I'm surrounded by people who have been living/working in the Baptistland for years now, and the darkness that had grown inside of me was very clear as I measured myself against their Jesus-friendly outlooks and dispositions. I was working with a lot of the same people I worked with/for as a student, but I was a few shades darker than I used to be. And I don't mean a tan. I tried several churches in the area but nothing seemed worth going back to... I didn't mean the words I sang (and it didn't seem like many others did either) and the messages I heard were flat and seemed more geared towards a high school youth group. I came to Radius Greenville my senior year at AU and loved it, but now I feel that I should plug in locally to a church somewhere closer and serve in my geographic context. So I didn't visit Radius the first bit after I moved here and continued to church hop around Anderson.

Well, last night I decided to visit you guys. When I moved to Myrtle I had touched base with Jeremiah to talk to him as a man of God with a bit more experience in church planting and, specifically, leading worship in a church plant. He and I have kept in touch over the past few years and he's been a great source of encouragement and challenge to me. So I figured it would be good to catch up with him and see some of my friends that still attend Radius.

Now you need to understand why John 9 is a big deal. I'm trying to land the proverbial plane here, I promise.

The year Will died (2009) I worked as a summer RA while finishing up stuff with my band before the move to Myrtle Beach. My responsibilities actually ended a week earlier than I'd planned which landed me moving temporarily to my parents' house the first week in August, a full week before I had anticipated leaving. Two years ago today, I moved back to my parent's house. That Wednesday I attended my home church's evening service where I sat between my mom and Will's parents.

My friend Sarah was actually giving her testimony... the cool thing is, Sarah and I worked at a summer camp together where Will attended the year after his diagnosis. Sarah suffered from Crohn's disease and Will's particular brand of Leukemia functioned similarly in its debilitation of the immune system. And during that week we were all together, I specifically asked Sarah if she would take some time to share her story with Will and pray with him to encourage him, as I felt Will would feel kinship with her. I loved him dearly.

So Sarah was there, at my home church, giving her testimony as I sat between my mom and Will's parents. I wasn't even supposed to be there for another week, it was totally unexpected. And I definitely didn't know Sarah would be there... I didn't even know if I would be, seeing how I had a shouting match with God earlier that afternoon about why He wouldn't give me some answers. He didn't shout back, thankfully... I probably would have died. And deserved it.

As Sarah prepared to share the story of her battle with Crohn's disease and how God worked through it, she asked us all to open up to chapter 9.

And there she read Jesus' answer, "That the glory of God may be made known."

And so I reflected on Will's life, how he lived it for the glory of God. I thought about his funeral, the most incredible celebration of life I've ever been a part of. I thought about the nurses and doctors that came to know Christ more deeply through Will's testimony, his faith through suffering at such a young age.

I've been in a similar place, this warring internally with God about unfavorable circumstances and undesired outcomes. And I didn't expect anything from Him last night as I walked into Radius. Quite honestly I mostly just came to catch up with old friends.

You said we were going to be in John 9, and that didn't register. But when I read the opening verse and remembered... almost 2 years ago, man. Almost 2 years ago exactly. It was August 5th, 2009, and God spoke in the same way through the same scripture... and my heart was broken.

I pretty much began crying then and didn't stop until after the last song of the service. When you prayed over those of us who had experienced suffering/were experiencing it currently... I haven't wept that hard in a long time.

To know God still loves me, would speak to me, after my attitude the past 2 years... what a breaking, humbling, freeing reality.

So I know this has been really long and I'm sure some of the substance has been lost in written format, but man I just wanted to say thank you."

That's it for now. A lot has happened since then... and man has the Lord proven Himself faithful, loving, patient, and wise. I'm convinced that I am the product of many saints' fervent prayers. More to come...

Texts from Josh while he was not lucid

2012-03-09T09:14:00.006-08:00

So I got all 4 wisdom teeth removed yesterday as well as a lingual frenectomy... and apparently sent a few texts afterwards while I was still a bit under the influence. I wanted to share them with whoever may enjoy them, and this seemed like this best place... so here they are:

Convo #1; Thomas

Thomas: Hey buddy!

Me: HeybbudduyA

Thomas: How has work been?

Me: Busy... jusr glot my wisdom teetn ojt

Thomas: I can tell by your text... haha did you have them out today?

Me: Dis mornin

Convo #2; Felicia

Felicia: I'm praying for you & your teef today! :)

Me: ThsnkuerrrA

Convo #3; Craig

Me: :

Craig: What happened to the rest of your face?

Me:

Craig: Still nothin

Me: ???

Craig: You are sending blank texts!

Me: ?

Craig: are you high as a kite?

Me: Maybe...

Craig: Nice :)

Me: You got the other dexh'

Craig: From early this morning?

Me: Yeah

Craig: I did, thanks buddy

Me: :) I lovd yu

Craig: So much! You are bad at texting

Me: Druhs

Craig: Lol

Convo #4; Owen

Owen: Lunch?

Me: Nihhsni'm gettom mt teesf our

Owen: O yea whens dat

Me: Jusr for kjr

Me: Our

Owen: What time u gonna be gettem out quit text in like u gotten out

Me: Sooooooooon

That's it, hope you were entertained :)

I couldn't NOT post this

2010-12-13T11:35:00.000-08:00

OK so I know it's been a long time and this is kind of cheap b/c I'm just quoting... but this is why I love Matt Chandler. On masculinity:

"...[people] make masculinity out to be climbing mountains and hunting, and THAT'S what is masculine, [and] they do the sensitive male a disservice. When they go, 'This is how a man dresses, this is what a man does; he works with his hands, etc.', I go give me a break. You feed a deer all year long, you sit up in a blind, and then you pop the poor sucker after you've been feeding him all year long.

Listen, you want to be a man? Get naked, hunt it down, and bite it to death. Ok? THEN you're a man. If that's going to be your definition- hunting, fishing, working with your hands- then let's just go all the way! Strip down buck-naked, chase the animal down and then bite it to death. But don't, 200 yards away in a heated stand after you've fed it all year long, pop it and define that as masculinity because it is simply not.

So what's happening is young men with sensitive souls who are artistic and beautiful, tender souls end up not being able to find a home because idiots have defined masculinity outside of the bounds of scripture. And so they've got nowhere to go with this."

We would be wise (we being the church, especially in the Bible belt) to examine these words and the ramifications of them.

Nothing spiritual here... seriously

2010-07-28T10:56:00.000-07:00

I just want to recap my day thus far. Because it has been awesome.

-Slept till 10:30 AM. Pretty sure the last time I did that was when I went home for Christmas... and sweet mercy did I need it.

-Did laundry. Currently listening to the machine gun sounds as my change rattles around in the dryer.

-Washed the dishes I literally have not had time to wash in a week.

-Edited 255 RAW images lingering on my camera dating as far back as 3 weeks ago and am currently waiting on them to process.

-Finished off (finally) the Oreo Cheesecake Anna Ruffner gave me... and yes, it is still frickin great.

-It's 2 PM and I'm still in my underwear, waiting on laundry to finish and Wes' leftover calzone to finish heating in the toaster oven for lunch.

If nothing else goes right today, I am perfectly contented. Praise the Lord for time to clean and rest.

One Year Later

2010-05-12T19:11:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of when one of my dearest friends went home to be with the Lord. As the day approaches I can't help but reflect and remember... and so as is the case with just about anything else I'm trying to make sense of in my life, I feel compelled to write. To remember.

I remember talking with Billy Scott in 2004 and explaining to him that I wanted to be a mentor to Will. How foolish I was to think I had anything to offer... Will was the one who taught me.

I remember when he called me to tell me he had leukemia in 2007. It was right after my great grandmother had passed away and I was with my friend Ben Layton in Lifeway buying a new Bible. I remember sitting at the softball field in Anderson with my new Bible, in tears, and the truth of Job 19 coming to life for the first time to me. "My Redeemer lives."

I remember visiting him in the hospital during chemo, so proud of the man he was growing to be. I remember telling him I'd come as often as I could... and making myself a liar.

I remember endless truck rides when he'd beg me to circle around Vanderford Road and Frank Hill stretch just one more time before taking him home. I remember staying in the church parking lot to talk with him well after my curfew and my parents not being happy about it.

I remember my heart dropping like on a roller coaster when I found out the cancer was back in 2009.

And I'll never forget where I was when I found out the chemotherapy stopped working. It was so unexpected, so jarring... I remember having to sit on the curb outside the Rainey Annex because I couldn't walk anymore.

I remember when I found out he was gone. I was taking engagement photos for Drew and Jessica Burdette at the botanical gardens in Clemson. My mom called... I remember forcing myself to delay the realization of what she had told me until I finished the shoot and parted ways with them. I remember calling her back afterwards in tears, so ashamed that I hadn't driven to Union that last weekend I had the chance to see him.

I remember his funeral... hands down the most incredible celebration of life I've ever been apart of. From top to bottom, it was all about Christ... that's how Will designed it. But even in the midst of the celebration of the Gospel at work in Will's life and death, I was so frustrated. I remember Myra's hand on my back as I shook uncontrollably, bent over, and heard Will's own voice singing "It's all because of Jesus I'm alive" at the conclusion of the funeral.

I remember crying out to God in my parent's pool one afternoon, asking Him why He took Will and left me. I still don't have an answer for that... Will's potential for the furthering of the Gospel was incredible, and his love for it was deeper than mine has ever been. I, on the other hand, often feel like a ticking time-bomb and wonder how long it will be before I screw up royally and join the ranks of so many others I've looked up to and confided in.

I remember the stillness in the air... not even a gust of wind to indicate a supernatural response. I remember uttering, "OK. Well. I guess I'll talk to you later," passive-aggressively to God.

I remember sitting between my mom, Billy Scott and Susan Scott at church that night (which I wasn't even supposed to be at... my contract at Anderson ended a week early) and hearing my friend, Sarah Neely, talk about the blind man in John 9 and his blindness was so "the works of God" would be displayed in him. And so they were.

I remember the peace of God as He reminded me of the multitudes of people who had been affected by Will's story and how the Gospel had been proclaimed through it all. Furthermore, how "Checklist Ministries" would continue to preach the Gospel in Will's stead long after his time on this earth was over.

I think I'm still learning what I learned through Will's life and death... but I do miss him. I wish I could talk to him now, tell him what God's been doing in my life and that I'm sorry I didn't come home to see him more.

The weekend of Drew and Jess' wedding, just a few weeks after Will's passing, I wrote the song "It Is Well/This Way" that you'll find on my myspace. Usually my songs are an extension, an actualization of how I feel or what I've experienced. This song was more like how I wanted to feel and experience... it was not well with my soul. But as time went on and God spoke through circumstances and friends, He taught me what it meant.

So I write this to remember...

I write to remember Will.

I write to remember his life.

I write to remember his death.

I write to remember the Gospel.

I write to remember his love for the Gospel.

I write to remember God's love for me.

I write to remember that my Redeemer lives.

I write to remember that when I am faithless, He is faithful.

I write, and I remember. It is well.

Another Benediction

2010-02-24T07:15:00.000-08:00

"Not Without Love (Benediction)" by Jimmy Needham

I tried, Lord...
I tried, Lord.
I tried hard to be Your good little boy.

Chin up, head high,
All zeal, but no joy,
Thinking all my good deeds could please Jesus-

Boy, was I wrong.

Though I knew the right songs,

All my cymbals and gongs played the melodies wrong
And it wasn’t long ‘til I saw my disease:
A life spent wanting to please
On hands and knees
To make right, to appease-

God help me please!
This can’t be Christianity, it can’t be
The whole thing’s like insanity...
Where’s the rest of eternal security?
Where’s the hope of a God big enough to cope with all my hang-ups and insecurities?

Certainly this isn’t breathing,
My chest burning and heaving
It’s like my pulse is ceasing,
Like my heart quits beating...

Yet this I recall to mind and therefore I have hope:
You died, Lord.

You died, Lord.

Assuredly, like the coming of the dawn,

The Father’s love song goes on!
Drowning out my bitter songs
And breaking through walls and barriers,
Christ swoops in, removes sin, picks up His bride and carries her!

So I can sing in agreement with the King this thing:
There’s only ONE thing that pleases the Father,
The God-man on the tree in the midst of the scoffers-

Now I finally see that CHRIST is what CHRIST offers!

And I’m finally free in the love of the Father.

Why I Enjoy Dusting, The iPad, and Other Spiritual Things

2010-02-03T12:48:00.001-08:00

You like the title, don't you? I know you do.

Believe it or not the three components of such an astounding title are related. In my mind, at least. So I'm going to try to relay that to you in the typical fashion... disjointed thought patterns that begin leading to a painfully obvious conclusion that you will have already realized by the time I reach it, yet I'll spell it out anyway. Because that's how I roll.

So at work the other day I had an epiphany whilst dusting the b-units (fancy term for where we put crap on shelves & hangers), that I actually really enjoy- and have since I used to dust my great grandmother's house when I was in kindergarten- dusting. I like to dust.

This is unfortunate for a few reasons. The primary one being that I'm pretty allergic to dust... along with 95% of the rest of the world... it's like saying too much cheese makes you constipated. Nothing special about it. And the secondary reason being what kind of freak am I that enjoys dusting?

Regardless I started wondering why I enjoyed such a thing, and the answer came to me quickly. I enjoy all kinds of cleaning, really... washing cars is one of my favorite. Do you know why? Same reason I like toaster strudels.

Immediate results.

I notice something is dusty, grab the handy dandy swiffer duster thingamajig, and like magic the grossness that makes me sneeze is gone. Well, displaced. And the object/surface is nice and clean.

I didn't realize how deep this issue went until I started reflecting on how this theme runs throughout my life... the only things I've ever stuck with are the things that I perceive myself to excel at fairly quickly. Academics, piano, Mortal Kombat versus DC, etc. and all the things that I've abandoned or pegged myself as "unskilled" at are the things which I did not pick up quickly. This includes just about any sort of sport, guitar, and juggling.

How sad, that I've never had the discipline to stick with anything long enough to see results that may not be immediate, but are equally if not more satisfying than those things which came natural to me?

{hold that thought... we must take a moment to discuss part #2 of the title}

The iPad was introduced last week. I personally was rather excited about the release and looked forward to what Apple had to offer. After skimming through the keynote video (because honestly, there's no reason to watch an hour and a half of that and who even has the time?) I was still pretty excited about it and already felt a level of discontentment with myself because I didn't own one. That's what Apple does best... makes you feel like your stuff isn't cool.

But as the days went on, I had a few conversations with some friends, and participated in absolutely mindless debate about its practicality via facebook, I was a bit taken aback by the level of disapproval many had concerning the iPad.

Now, I love Apple, but my surprise was not because I have some sort of allegiance to Steve Jobs and all dissenters must die (I repented of that), rather it was due to the "this is it?" attitude. I read a few articles about things the iPad COULD NOT do and how useless it was, and I couldn't help but think to myself "But how incredible is the technology we have that would allow a completely interactive touchpad interface (I'm sorry, but the HP touchsmart doesn't count) with nearly limitless possibilities for the future of web interaction and mobility?"

Ten years ago the lightest cell phone weighed as much as a free-weight old ladies jog at the mall with. Five years ago wireless internet was absolutely amazing to me. And I would stake that though the iPad may not live up to everyone's expectations, it most certainly opens the doors for some pretty cool junk in the future.

{and now the two become as one}

What if... we learned to be patient?

With ourselves?

With everyone else?

What if we were able to look at ourselves, realize that a six-pack or dream job or becoming more like Jesus (depending on what you're after... but that's for another blog) will most certainly take TIME and EFFORT.

WHAT A NOVEL CONCEPT!

I'm serious- this is not me being a smart arse and presenting this as if I've got it all figured out and I'm conveying my wisdom to the world... this is my realizing that what people have been telling me all along is most certainly true, and I absolutely MUST learn the virtue of patience and diligence if I am ever to be who I want to be.

Everything doesn't work like dusting... actually most things don't. They take time and perseverance.

And in our lives we will come to find many "iPads;" both in ourselves and in others. Things will not always be as we want them to, people will disappoint you, and you will disappoint yourself (if you're honest).

But what if we were able to take a step back and objectively say,

"You know what? I'm not where I want to be. But I'm closer than I was last year, so I'm gonna keep that goin."

or

"Yeah, that person did me wrong. But he/she's trying to figure this thing out just like the rest of us, and who am I to peg someone based off one or two unfortunate or mindless decisions?"

Maybe this isn't as cohesive as I thought it would be... but I'll bring it all to this. If you know me deeply you've probably heard me say this, but check what Paul wrote to the church in Philippi:

"[Be] confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

I find that verse equally comforting and frustrating. Frustrating because... I want that good work to be complete today.

Comforting because... He who promised to finish it is the author and perfecter of my faith who is the very definition of love, patience, compassion, and holiness. He is my Father; He is my Savior.

It's a very slow process, but I get way too wrapped up in the details sometimes and forget to enjoy the miracles that are happening around me.

So I guess my prayer, my encouragement is that we would never be satisfied merely with dusting our entire lives, but that we would look at the iPad and realize that the best is yet to come; it's just not here yet.

Ha... I'm so ridiculous.

Wait... my degree is becoming USEFUL?!

2009-10-15T12:03:00.000-07:00

Yes, yes it is.

I'm currently going back through my senior paper on "Authentic Biblical Worship" and my notes/the Scripture that comprised it. My goal is to put together a broad (yet comprehensively foundational) skeleton outline of why we do what we do at Newsong Coastal Church.

I'll post that later to get your thoughts/feedback on it, but for now I wanted to post this excerpt that I would really like to spark some discussion. Holla boutcha thoughts.

"Inevitably the issue of musical style arises in the discussion of worship forms and structures. The popular trend is to have a contemporary and a traditional worship service to suit the differing preferences within a single congregation. The biblical evidence would indicate that this practice is entirely inappropriate and conflict with scriptural mandates for worship. It creates an atmosphere that is centered on the likes and dislikes of a people rather than the nature and commandments of a holy God. There is scriptural mandate for both the old and the new when it comes to worship through music.

The Psalmist repeatedly and exuberantly implores his readers, “Sing to Him a new song; play skillfully on the strings, with loud shouts,” “Oh sing to the Lord a new song; sing to the Lord, all the earth,” and “Oh sing to the Lord a new song, for He has done marvelous things! His right hand and his holy arm have worked salvation for him!” There is a call to and need for the followers of Christ to continue writing songs to praise His name and His works, but there is also a high value placed on hymns of old written by ancestors of the faith to remember the work of the Lord in the past as an assurance of His faithfulness in the present and future. The Lord gives Moses a command to do just this before the people of Israel enter into the Promised Land.

In Deuteronomy God commands Moses to write a song and teach it to His people, that it “may be a witness for me against the people of Israel.” The song is comprised of reminders to the people of Israel as well as a testimony to foreigners of God’s provision for Israel’s physical needs during their desert wanderings despite their lack of faithfulness to God. Moses acts accordingly and teaches the song to the people of Israel that they would continue to sing it for many generations to come as a reminder of the faithfulness of God despite the whoredom of His people. The Psalmist also displays this need to utilize songs from the past in order to remember God’s work and attributes as they are revealed over time in Psalm 77.5-6: “I consider the days of old, the years long ago. I said, ‘Let me remember my song in the night; let me meditate in my heart.’” The debate between old hymns and modern choruses, then, is no debate at all; the answer is both. Scripture calls for both the new and the old.

As far as explicit Scriptural mandates concerning dress, orders of service, and styles of music given are concerned, there are none. There is no fiat in Scripture on whether a pastor should wear coat and tie or blue jeans, whether the instrumentation should consist of organ only or electric guitars and a drum set, or whether the vestibule should contain a set of flowers dedicated to an anniversary or donuts and coffee for a time of fellowship. The driving motivation between any decision concerning these things or anything of a similar nature in corporate worship should be what leads the congregation to worship in spirit and in truth be it through music, teaching, fellowship, drama, or whatever else. The primary motivation cannot be what will cater to the most people’s preferences if a church desires to worship in spirit and truth because worship is about the glory of God and the proclamation of His name, not entertainment. There is no standard to judge the effectiveness of corporate worship besides that of the Word of God; not the music industry, popular culture, devoted traditionalism, nor church attendance."

Discuss/elaborate/criticize/justify/whateverthejankyouwannadowithit.

-Joshua

American Syncretism

2009-09-22T10:07:00.000-07:00

In a few of my courses back at AU we discussed something called "syncretism," specifically in relation to Christianity. Here's the handy dandy mac dictionary definition:

Syncretism- the amalgamation or attempted amalgamation of different religions, cultures, or schools of thought.

And for those of us who may not know what an "amalgamation" is...

Amalgamation- the action, process, or result of combining or uniting.

So for all the slow kids... syncretism is the combining/uniting of different religions, cultures, and/or schools of thought.

In class the context we discussed this in was what happened when believers would go as missionaries to foreign lands & cultures and, in an attempt to better communicate the Gospel to those people, begin combining terminologies and ideologies of Christianity with those of the already existing culture. If this is hurting your head, don't feel bad. It's really not as complicated as it sounds- let me give you an example.

If you go to a country where the national religion is Islam and your purpose is to be a Christian missionary, you may not refer to God as "God." Especially if you go through someone a missionary agency; they'll actually tell you to do otherwise. Instead you'll refer to God as "Allah." This doesn't mean you believe in the God of Islam; it's simply an attempt to establish common ground so that you can explain what YOU believe about Allah. Make sense?

{Editor's Note: This is a poor example. But you get what I'm saying- switching things around and mixing them up so that people know what the crap we're talking about. The above example is actually a GOOD use of syncretism... but many times it is taken way too far.}

If not, just look it up on wikipedia.

So anyway in classes we would talk about how missionaries to China would mix up Christianity with native Chinese religions and ultimately really mess stuff up, how American missionaries would go to other countries and attempt to not only convert others (such as third world tribesmen) to Christianity, but to capitalism as well.

This is an issue.

What is MORE of an issue to those of us still in America, however, is how blind we are to syncretism in our own culture. Don't believe me?

How many of us went to a church service the weekend of July 4th where we sang more to a flag and a piece of land than we did to an almighty God who revealed Himself fully in the person of Christ?

How many sermons in the past year did we hear where the pulpit became a political platform instead of the place where God's people are called to be the hands and feet of Christ?

How many times did you hear a politician pull the God card in the 2008 campaign?

How many of our weeks consisted of the daily grind and the weekend ritual without so much as a passing thought to the fact that Jesus Christ wasn't kidding when He commanded us to "take up [our] cross and follow [Him]"?

How many of us have reduced our faith to a subculture where even our baby's diapers can have a Jesus fish on them to demonstrate our love for Christ, yet we refuse to walk across the street, across the aisle, across the hall to speak love into the life of the person the Holy Spirit is putting in our path because we have X number of things to do and X amount of time to do it in and surely Jesus understands how busy we are?

And God forbid we ever have to interact with another human being ever again... by all means let us use the red box to get our movies, pay at the pump, self-check out, and online shopping so that we can have the least amount of civil contact possible. After all, the less we have to talk to someone the happier we all are right?

Not to mention the fact that when that one outsider comes (CLEARLY by the grace of God alone, for there is no other way they could pierce our bubble) into our circle we must cut their hair, re-dress them, and teach them to talk like us so that they can become good, saved people just like us.

I don't intend to come across as bitter or snide, though I know I inevitably have. Nor do I intend to suggest that I am exempt from any of these traps/convictions- if you read back you'll notice I tried to say "we" as much as possible.

We are ALL guilty of this, brothers and sisters.

There is an IMMENSE amount of sharp distinction between the life Christ called us to as His followers and the lives we are leading in pursuit of the pseudo-Christianized American dream.

I beg you (and charge myself) to take a long, HARD look at our lives and prayerfully consider what it is that glorifies the God of the cross and the resurrection and what it is that glorifies "Puff, The Magic Jesus."

May we become so enthralled with the beauty and the truth of the Gospel of Christ that all else is waste to us.

It is only then that we can love as we have been loved.

Brand New Day?

2009-09-02T08:50:00.000-07:00

To those who may not know: I am a complete comic book nerd.

If you're already turned off because you think this post is about comics... then you don't know me. This post isn't about comics, just keep reading and trust me.

Spider-Man is my hero of choice, and I prefer Marvel to DC by far. Of the comic nerds I know, the only DC loyalists are really just Batman loyalists... which I completely respect.

But Marvel has the market on writers right now- ever since House of M in 2005 the universe-wide crossovers have been excellent (and surprisingly comprehensive). All the events of House of M, Civil War, and Secret Invasion are currently culminating in a series called "Dark Reign." You don't really care about any of this, though... so let's move on. (it's all rather brilliant though)

Ha. I sounded British just then.

I say all this to say that in May of 2008 Marvel made a BOLD move in launching a complete Spider-Man revamp they called "Brand New Day." Basically all the big events in Peter Parker's life over the past several years were reset: Peter and Mary Jane never got married, Aunt May and Harry Osborn (Peter's best friend) were alive again, and his identity was a secret again.

I absolutely hated this.

I mean think about it- these characters you had invested in and grown accustomed to for years just changed. The status quo was reset without your consent, and you didn't like the new rules.

So I dropped the title for almost a year. I finally began reading some really positive reviews of the story arcs in the Spider-Man title about March of 2009. I picked it back up, and I must say I haven't been disappointed yet. They're doing really good work and putting together some good stuff.

I still don't like the "Brand New Day" revamp just because I enjoy continuity in a story... but in hindsight, the stories that have been birthed out of the revamp have surpassed previous stories in quality by a long shot.

And here is where it becomes not about comics anymore.

Anderson wore me out. In so many ways... academically, spiritually, ministerially, relationally, etc.

Don't get me wrong- I loved my time there. I wouldn't trade my four years at AU for anything, and I definitely wouldn't trade the brothers and sisters I met there whom I love deeply and have shown me Christ when I was completely unlovable. But so much was not what I expected.

Through the CM program I allowed my faith to become little more than a petri dish.

Through various ministries on campus I allowed myself to become over-taxed, worn-out, and frustrated with everyone who wasn't doing what I thought they should be doing. Especially when it meant I had to pick up slack. (Note: I'm referring to believers here, not unbelievers)

Through a few different friendships and relationships I allowed myself to become consumed with acceptance by my peers.

Through talk of and work with churches during college I allowed myself to become bitter towards the bride of Christ and the very body I was called to be part of.

Don't get me wrong- I think some of these things are to be legitimately bothered by. The CM program is intensively academically oriented and as wonderful as theology is, it is like an uprooted tree without means of praxis. There is a desperate need for shared leadership among believers in campus ministries, though I believe people like Russ Bennett have made leaps and bounds in the right direction here. And of course there are problems with the modern church. Welcome to a place that isn't the Garden of Eden; we call it Earth.

But my point isn't how valid or how selfish any of these things may be/have been. My point is at the end of my college career I was ready to move on. Ready for a fresh start. Read for a "Brand New Day."

I believe my Brand New Day has come with drawbacks, just as Peter Parker's did.

I'm uprooted and in a place I know very little about. I don't have the support system I had at Anderson. The band (and closest friends) I had grown to love being part of and enjoyed ministering with is 4.5 hours away from me. And so is everyone else I have invested in and who has invested in me for what I believe has been the most profound season of my life thus far.

And as I have been detached from all I had grown weary of, I am without scapegoats. If I am spiritually lacking, apathetic, frustrated... the issue is within my own heart.

This "Brand New Day" I wanted for so long is here, and it is a breath of fresh air... but oh the challenges it brings with it!

I don't like all the challenges. I don't like being responsible for my spiritual maturity for the first time in my life. I don't like having to pay bills. I don't like not being able to afford a puppy right now...

But mostly I don't like not being able to blame my slackness on anyone or anything else.

I do know this; that like Spider-Man, I will one day look back and see how this "Brand New Day" brought about so much more good than I would have ever thought.

Because I know my God is a God of life.

And He is able to do exceedingly great things in incredibly unexpected places. Sanctification is a slow, often painful process... but man is it beautiful.

May God be glorified in my "Brand New Day."

It Is Well (This Way)

2009-05-25T09:24:00.001-07:00

When peace like a river comes rushing on my way
When sorrows like tidal waves come flooding through my gates
I don’t know what to do
So I hang my head and lift my voice to You

And you take me this way
And you break me this way

When Satan comes to taunt me bout how I’m weak and gone astray
I cling to that old splintered cross where I heard You call my name
And I’m broken by this love
I’m healed by Your touch

That You’d take me this way
When You break me this way
And You shape me this way
And You’ve taught me how to say

“It is well.”

And Lord, make it soon when my faith becomes my eyes
Let the music of the angels dawn the commencement of new life
It is well with my soul!

i stole this from a british woman.

2009-04-25T09:22:00.000-07:00

Jayne did this... and I like pictures and she's British. So I did it too.

The Questions:
1. What is your first name? Joshua
2. What is your favorite food? General Tso's Chicken
3. What is your favorite color? Green
4. Favorite drink? Cream Soda
5. Dream vacation? Australia
6. Favorite hobby? Music
7. What you want to be when you grow up? a child at heart
8. What do you love most in life? irony
9. One word to describe you? Witty (or at least I'd like to think so!)

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search (http://www.flickr.com/)
b. Using ONLY the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Mosaic Maker. Change rows to 3 and columns to 3 (http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php).

Repenting.

2009-04-13T09:52:00.000-07:00

I repent of holding grudges against my brothers and sisters.

I have a really difficult time with this... yet I think it's egocentric for me to state so because I believe it is a normal human issue. More often than not, most of us have a hard time with letting go of grudges, don't we?

I think so. A few years ago I was heavily convicted about how I am supposed to love, but like so many life lessons I believe I've forgotten that conviction somewhere along the way.

Or maybe I just realized how much I don't like it.

Seriously, think about it. Who of us has a desire to love others selflessly? Who of us has even the capability of loving one another with the Father's love we have come to know through Christ Jesus?

None. Time and again scriptures state that there is none righteous, not even one.

It so much easier to hold a grudge and be bitter. Beyond that, it's fun sometimes! I mean it provides you with common ground with others who are bitter and hold grudges and you can join together to bash whoever you want and it makes you feel better!

I mean what could make you feel any better than pointing out the flaws of the people who piss you off? After all, when you see how horrible they are it affirms how awesome you are!

mmmmm... praise God for grace, right?

How grateful we should be for a righteousness that is not our own! That our bitter tendencies, held grudges, and malicious natures have been neutralized and purified by the blood of Christ!

There are people I have held grudges against for years and even today I tend to develop bitterness in my heart towards brothers and sisters in Christ, and for this I repent.

I repent of my bitterness and my grudges. I repent of my unrighteousness and egocentric thoughts, actions, and words.

I repent of consciously refusing to share the love that was given to me freely.

And I praise God that His grace isn't contingent upon my worthiness to receive it. God is sooooo good.

Top 10 Disappointments of 2009 Thus Far

2009-04-06T21:43:00.000-07:00

I think the title is self explanatory. These may or may not be in any particular order, and the picture corresponding to the number in the list will come before the actual listing... but I'm sure you would've figured that out (;

10. Realizing a B.A. isn't going to take me where I want to go in life and more schooling is inevitable.

9. The return of Heroes to prime time in January.. I haven't watched any since then so I can't comment on the whole season, but this episode was incredibly disappointing and uneventful.

8. Finding out that some Christian (term used loosely) organizations charge $600 for college students to put on a benefit concert for mission work.

7. The severe lack of sugar (or anything resembling sweetness) in Ocean Spray's Light Cran-Grape Juice.

6. The fact that I made it through 4 years of CP classes in high school and 3 1/2 (and counting) years of college without anyone teaching me about compiling a resume, job interview etiquette, or anything remotely useful in the real world.

5. Having to spend my last Spring Break writing a 25 page paper that would be 40% of my final grade in one class and a photo project that would be just under 20% of my final grade in another.

4. The fact that Anderson put a sticker on my light switch about saving energy but they continue to water the grass and plants religiously during a drought and running the fountains when it was below freezing outside.

3. Jimmy Fallon has his own night show now. Seriously- his stand-up isn't remotely funny and he has the people skills of a doorknob. Miss South Carolina of 2007 would have been a better choice...2. Learning that people actually abbreviate "Praise the Lord" via e-mails and text messages. Typing/texting "PTL" for any other reason than making fun of people who use it seriously should add at least a decade to purgatory.

1. Watchmen (The Movie). Hear me out, true believers; the cinematography was excellent. Rorshach was amazing. The use and placement of the Bob Dylan song for the opening credits was beautiful. That's it. The majority of the lead roles were quite honestly severely lackluster performances, the sex scenes were completely unnecessary and a cheap attempt at being edgy, and though the cinematography may have been good it was nearly identical stylistically to 300. Orginality recycled.

I guess that about wraps it up! If you're thinking to yourself, "Self, I think Josh could be more productive with his time," then you are right. But I've had trouble sleeping the past few nights and thought a good rant may put my soul a bit more at ease.

Or at least serve someone's need for entertainment later.

Either way, peace out.

Come Again Sometime

2009-02-01T15:26:00.000-08:00

Turn the page to yesterday
Take a look at where you've come from, where you've been

Nevermind all those mistakes
It's in the heart of the moment the beauty's found anyway,
Something beyond paper and pen

Could it be you've lost your soul?
Could it be you're no longer quite whole?
Could it be that the inspiration that stirred your soul's
Been replaced by technicalities?
Where did you go?

You got your degree in living life
You put your 2 cents here and there, you offer up a prayer
But you keep your hands in your pockets

What happened to life?
What happened to living?
What happened to grace,
And what made it worth giving?
What happened to you and your sweet, sweet smile?

Maybe it can come again sometime.

Song of a Grandson

2008-12-09T23:05:00.000-08:00

She sits in her chair, wears glasses to see

She puts pen to paper, a message for me

She writes of the days gone by

She writes of a brighter time

She writes of the man that I’ve grown to be

A warrior of sorts, though you’d never know

A family of four, a family that’s grown

She prays for her mother’s heart

She prays for her son’s new start

She prays for the strength to carry this load

Could You please send them some peace?

Could You please send some relief?

He’s not quite the same, he never will be

The disease in his brain stole him from me

His bride is still standing strong

But the days and the nights grow long

This isn’t how things were supposed to be

A rock and a comfort is he to her

He quiets the emotions that so often stir

He tells her that this will pass

This life’s but a clouded glass

Of what is to come… but when will we see?

Could you please send us some peace?

Could you please send some relief?

Two husbands, two wives, a family in need

A father is fading, a mother is grieved

Their daughter, she cries and prays

Their son-in-law brightens days

The song of a grandson offers release

Could you please send us some peace?

wait... seriously?

2008-12-03T12:37:00.001-08:00

OK so I was reading reviews on Prospekt's March (because I finally got mine and was thus ready to read other's opinions), and I stumbled across Rolling Stone's review of the EP.

I'd like to personally say that I enjoyed the EP for the most part- the downsides being the Lovers in Japan which sounds virtually the same as the album version and Lost+ (featuring Jay-Z).

The reviewer from the Rolling Stone said, and I quote:

"Fans should download "Lost+" — featuring a great Jay-Z cameo — and skip the rest."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!?!?! The Jay-Z cameo was by far the absolute WORST thing Coldplay has allowed in their music throughout their entire career. It's nothing more than a publicity stunt and should NOT be encouraged.

Sweet moses, someone PLEASE fire that clearly derranged RS reviewer and get someone with half a brain to do his job.

End rant.

facetious?

2008-11-22T21:19:00.001-08:00

Things I Hate:

1. When people make lists and only have 2 points... thus defeating the point of a list.

2. Irony.

My Thoughts During Sociology

2008-11-11T08:12:00.000-08:00

I decided today in Sociology to write down the first thing(s) that came to my mind. I will post these as they were written on my notebook paper.

---Begin Madness---

I need to frow up.

Old people smell bad.

Rap is one letter away from rape. Coincidence?

Funky funky chest hair (I was wearing a wife beater)

Don't beat your wife.

My brain is camouflaged.

I need some 7-up.

"Behbehs."

Should take notes... want take nap.

Swallowin bile for a while.

I need to frow up.

COLDPLAY TONIGHT!!!!

Guess what? Chicken butt.

Menopause is fun for none.

Puma & Pepto Bismol=my friends

Smoka de pot.

30% conceptions end in abortion... 100% begin in uterus (though I can't prove it)

PAGINA DOS.

burppage.

itchy neard.

LAS MONTANAS SON MUY BONITA!

rickshaw heaven?

Turkey Soup For The Narcoleptic Soul

DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT!!!!

"muthuh?"

Why do Alien parasites even look like that? It's totally inappropriate.

HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH LITTLE DEBBIE!!! Is Debbie her first name, middle, or nickname? Anyway who would want to buy Little Deborahs.

crude birth rate=15/1000
crude=crappy + rude
behbehs don't appreciate this statistic.

JOLLY ROGERS '08- 3RD IN SEASON, 1ST IN HEAVEN!

sitting through this class is like going uphill on a unicycle in san francisco.

sorry, I'm sleepy.

JENGA!

"guhrbuhs?"

SPRINKLES!
english is gross.
ON A CHRISTMAS TREE CAKE!

I'ma need to get these notes later.
I'ma need to make a magical thanksgiving turkey.

Heartburn and prilosec.

---End Madness---

You're welcome, America.

Giving Up

2008-10-31T07:26:00.000-07:00

Been a while since I've been here
Been a while since I shed a tear
Been a while since I felt real

Wanna crawl up in your lap
Wanna turn from my past
Wanna tell you I'm coming back

Done with chasing after wind
Done with running down dead ends
Done with houses built on sand

Wanna be a better man
Wanna wash these filthy hands
Wanna fall in love again

I want to be new
Want to be with you

Oh precious is the flow
That makes me white as snow
No other place I'll go
Nowhere but your love

Divine? Discontent.

2008-10-16T22:31:00.000-07:00

So it's one of those nights where I absolutely cannot sleep because my mind is racing... and that's a shame because I have to be @ my internship at 8 AM.

I was hoping I could squeeze a song out since I'm still awake, but it looks like it's just going to be a blog.

Anyway I'm really frustrated with myself right now (what's new, right?) for a variety of reasons. I've just come to realize recently that the person I have become is not who I want to be. I know I've written about this before, but I just can't help but think that who I am is a digression of who I was, say, in high school.

A random vomit of the mouth that I had earlier this evening brought all this to my attention (and those who I was around would probably say I'm ridiculous for making this such a big deal) and afterwards I began to recognize in my conversation how much of it was based on being critical of others and various other things that are not encouraging or really good for anything.

Of course I realize that what I probably sound like right now is someone who wants to be a walking version of HIS Radio.

Sweet mercy, no. That is not at all what I'm saying.

It's just that throughout high school I was a role model to others and even my first few years of college (and I also realize this probably sounds vain, but I'm trying to speak objectively here) and now that I'm a senior in college about to enter the "real world," I feel like I'm not there anymore. I don't display the qualities of a leader that I feel like I should...

Also, I just realized that I missed BOTH my doctor's appointments this week. Glory.

I dunno. I look at who I am and what my conversation centers around and it's not what I want it to be... what it needs to be... and I try to chalk it up to me not being on leadership for any organizations this year, or disillusionment caused by the CM program at Anderson, or past experiences with believers I looked up to, but I don't know if any of that is justified. I think all those things have influenced me, but in the end I choose to be who I am, no one else.

I just don't really know what to do, I guess. Things are wonderful as far as external life goes right now... Dana is absolutely wonderful and I love being with her again, things with the band are picking up quickly and I am incredibly grateful for what God is doing there, I've got incredibly patient and loyal friends who stick with me even when I'm retarded, and I'm about to graduate college. How could things be any better, right?

Yet here I sit at almost 2 AM unable to sleep because I am divinely discontented. I can't quite put my finger on it... so I don't know how to fix it.

Should I BE in leadership somewhere, is that the problem? If so then I've found my identity in leadership positions in the past, and that's definitely not good.

Was my faith really that shallow that a college program could rock it so much that I would become numb? If so then that's also not good.

I just want to be a person that is encouraging to those around him and consistent with how he treats people...

I don't want to be two-faced.

I don't want to be predictable.

I want to move people towards Christ with the way I talk.

I want to be so much more than I am...

I don't want this blog to be the end of this conviction.

Spiritual Insomnia

2008-04-21T23:41:00.000-07:00

So it's almost 3:00 (and probably will be by the time I'm done writing this) and I can't sleep because this is on my mind/heart/whatever you prefer me to say that I may come across as spiritual.

A few weeks ago I preached a message on idolatry and revealed to whoever may have been listening that I have a problem with making friendships my idols and constantly needing approval and affirmation from people who mean a lot to me. Some people (such as my wonderful girlfriend) give me affirmation without me asking for it or seeking it, but most don't. Nor should they. My need for affirmation is excessive and abnormal; I'm willing to admit that.

And so here I am ever aware of my failure to practice what I preach, once again bowing down to the altar of my insecurity, wishing I could just get over it and go to sleep.

I don't understand why I value a person's opinion more than I value my relationship with God. That makes me very sad and yet it doesn't move me enough to change... I am stained with apathy and conceit.

You see the need for affirmation is nothing more than pride wearing a mask different than the one you'd normally see it wearing; instead of me coming across as cocky or arrogant due to pride I come across as needy and insecure because I value what people think of me so highly.

I think the reason for this is because I know my own heart and the darkness therein, so I desperately want someone to assure me that my outward appearance and how the world perceives me is infinitely better than I know I really am. And if anyone catches a glimpse of who I really am I do what I can to manipulate conversation into one that is encouraging or affirming for the sake of my own self-esteem, not for Christ's namesake.

I write this in the hopes that my honesty here may move me to change... that by being transparent I will no longer want affirmation as I do because through writing it all out I've realized the problem and rooted it out. But I know that this isn't true, and that is incredibly frustrating.

I am incredibly frustrating.

Why is it I can be so convicted about something to the point of NEEDING to tell someone else about it because I think it is that important yet I can never seem to make that carry over to the rubber meeting the road? Am I so lost inside my own head that I can't make the connection between conviction and action?

So frustrating.

And so now I think "when this feeds to facebook, should I tag people in this note so that they can hold me accountable with this? Or is that just my way of excusing my own desire for attention and people to admire me because I'm honest?" I don't even know. Isn't it ridiculous that I can't even discern my own motives?

I have a stray hair on my arm that is driving me crazy.

And so here I am, 24 minutes after starting this entry, wondering how to end it. Or if I should end it. I feel like there should be some encouragement here... but then I would be writing this for someone else and I'm not. I'm writing this because this is where I am right now and I needed to get it out of my head.

I want to practice what I preach.

I want my life to be a hallelujah.

I want my actions and conversations and interactions to be congruent with my convictions.

I want to live a life worthy of the Gospel.

I want to live this life by faith in the One who loved me and gave Himself up for me.

I want to infuse every facet of my life with the grace that's been given to me.

I want to be so humble that I find my affirmation solely in the fact that I am redeemed and no longer seek it anywhere but in the work of Jesus Christ.

I want pure motives.

I want the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart to be pleasing to my Lord.

I want to love Christ by obeying His commands.

I want to love as He loved me.

It's 3:00 AM. I want to go to bed.

i don't know how to say this...

2008-02-17T08:40:00.000-08:00

this post will more than likely be sporadic and unconnected like my last one. i liked it better when i could just post songs i'd written to express myself, those were usually much more cohesive...

sidenote: the place i'm at right now has one of those automated air fresheners that goes off ever umpteen minutes, and just about every time it scares the shight out of me.

i wrote something about a year ago about me being selfish and how i should have the love of Christ in my relationships... funny how easy it is to realize these things and write about them without actually implementing them into our lives.

i've been thinking about this selfish idea a lot lately... i really don't think there's anything that i do out of genuine concern for another person... even in my closest friendships. everything i do, to varying degrees, is motivated by some sort of selfish desire or self-centered thought. let's take a look at my struggles:

pride. this is probably my biggest one, because so many just flow out of this. i'm leading with another band at a worship night stringer/boulevard is hosting friday night and one of my reasons for being hesitant to accept the offer to lead there was because i know how conceited i can get. maybe i put off some aura of humility but on the inside i think things like "i hope they think i'm a talented musician" or something lame like that. since when is leading worship about proving to people your abilities? it's not... i know this, and when i lead worship i love it. i love being able to put together a set of songs that bring people to a place where they can truly praise God apart from any distractions... but before and afterwards i struggle with not thinking highly of myself. i'm just being honest here.

lust. pretty self-explanatory... i allow thoughts that are not of Christ to be entertained to the point where my flesh hungers for something out of pure, unabridged selfish desire. this could go anywhere from sexual lust to lusting over camera lenses i know i can't afford. that sounds dumb, but the heart of the problem is that i am completely me-focused when this takes over.

the list could go on, no doubt. even the things i do that seem good are so often motivated by some form of selfishness...

am i involved in ministry because i truly love Christ and want to be obedient to Him, or do i just want to feel good about myself?

i dunno maybe all this is too honest, but this is where i am right now.

i hate this and i do NOT want to be like this. matt chandler said "this sanctification process is infinitely longer than anyone has ever led us on to believe," and he couldn't be more right. i know philippians says that Christ will continue this work in me until it is complete, but that doesn't make me more patient.

i want to put Christ before myself at ALL times and care about nothing but what He cares about, and thus i want to put other before myself in everything i do. too bad my heart is wicked, right?

but not without hope. Christ is the catalyst for genuine change and renewal, so i am turning to Him and begging to have my motives and desires radically changed to flow directly from Him instead of myself.

my brother, brett, gave me this verse friday, it's romans 15.2-3:

"let each of us please our neighbor for his good, to build him up. for Christ did not please Himself, but as it is written, 'the reproaches of those who reproached you fell on Me."

Christ commands believers to "take up your cross" and follow after Him. a. w. tozer said this about the cross:

"the old cross is a symbol of death. it stands for the abrupt, vilent end of a human being. the man in roman times who took up his cross and started down the road had already said good-bye to his friends. he was not coming back. he was going out to have it ended. the cross made no compromise, modified nothing, spared nothing; it slew all of the man, completely and for good. it did not try to keep on good terms with its victim. it struck cruel and hard, and when it had finished its work, the man was no more."

i want to be no more... like john, i want to decrease DRASTICALLY so that Christ may increase all the more. His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

may i be motivated by the mind of Christ alone and not my own heart.

truth revisted

2008-02-10T16:23:00.000-08:00

clever title, huh? it's one of those where i'm like "huh, that's a cool title... i'm not cool enough to pull it off though, so i should let people know that i know that."

...so i did.

last week in chapel my suitemate led "worship" (in quotations because what we commonly refer to as worship is merely singing of songs and worship is much more than that, but that's another blog for another time).

one of the songs he led us in was one that i, in my unending arrogance, thought was a poor choice.

that song was "Jesus loves me."

i'm not going to pretend to have some sort of spiritual profundity to offer to anyone who may read this... but i will say that the simplistic awe the truth of that song provoked in me was not what i anticipated.

the God of the universe...

...the one who knows exactly how deep my sin goes...

...that even my most seemingly selfless acts are nothing more than selfishness in a cloak of religiosity...

...that all i have to offer are the nails and spear which pierced an innocent man...

...it is that God whom the simple truth of this song was written about.

"Jesus loves me, He who died
heaven's gates to open wide
He will wash away all my sin
let His little child come in"

i've typed and re-typed this sentence a couple times trying to figure out how to convey my reaction to those lyrics, but it only turns out trite and churchy. i hate that.

so here it is in a nutshell:

the hardest truth in scripture is to truly believe that Christ loves me and yet that love has nothing to do with me. He loves because He is Christ, not because i am josh.

in more family friendly terms Scripture says that even my best work is like a used tampon when put juxtaposed with a holy God.

do you know what's even more difficult to believe that Christ would love someone as senselessly sinful as me?

that i cannot lose that love. it is His to give and take alone, and He is "faithful even when we are faithless."

um, that's difficult.

everything in me wants to say stuff like this:

"my sin is too deep!"

"i can show you how good i am, just give me a shot!"

"haven't i paid my own tab by now with all the 'ministry' i've done?"

"how can You, my Creator, possibly look at me apart from my sin?"

and so many more self-centered replies to the phrase, "Jesus loves me." these are all nothing more than polar manifestations of a pride problem.

i had such a hard time singing that in chapel... i actually changed the words for a while and sang "yes, Lord, i love You" because it was so difficult for me to believe the real words.

so that's about all i got for right now...

this is what i'm wrestling with right now and so i challenge anyone who might stumble across this to take the following upon yourself:

meditate on the three words "Jesus loves me" without any thoughts of your own goodness or value... think solely of the goodness and value of Christ. think of it almost as if it's the beginning of a inquiring thought.

"Jesus loves... me?

Yes... the Bible tells me so."

Away From Me (BIO 150)

2008-02-03T17:42:00.000-08:00

OK so I started this one in Biology 150 (where I wrote the last three songs) and there's a dead cactus right in front of where I sit. That'll make more sense when you read the lyrics... here goes

I got something on my chest
Can't get it off, can't get no rest
Can't find a sweet release from my selfish self
There's stuff in me that's not of You
My self won't let Your Spirit through
I need Your help to get me out the way

I'm as dead as a limp cactus
Been so long since I've felt any rain
I don't know if I can do this
Stuck in this self-destructive refrain

Get me out the way, make some kind of change,
Put me on a train that takes me far from myself!

Buncha books up on my shelf,
I read'em all to help myself
Didn't help nothin but free up wallet space
And everbody's got a thing or two
To make your life look shiny new
But change will never come until I turn to You!

[repeat chorus]

Away from all my pride
Away from what's inside
Away from jealousy
Take me far away from me!

Away from fleshly lust
Away from what's unjust
Away from apathy
Take me far away from me!

Increase; more of You in me!

...and it goes on. In my head it goes to the chorus being sung over the "Increase; more of You in me" part and gradually dissolves to just the increase part.

The end.

Morning

2008-01-20T13:26:00.000-08:00

I wake up in the morning thinking of my yesterdays
I don't know who I was then
I cry "Lord!" as my feet hit the floor, knowing I'm already needing grace
To do the good that You want me to do

And as I fight the thoughts of vulnerability
You whisper that Your strength is perfect when I'm weak
I am

(Chorus)
Changed, I am not the same
I've been rearranged
Traded joy for pain
I'm saved, loosened from these chains
Since You spoke my name
Showered me with grace
I'm changed because You changed me

Walking out the front door, facing life just as before
But now I put my hope in You
The demons of the day-to-day still surround me, but I'm not afraid
Because their lies are bound by Your truth

I don't claim to know the next ten steps to happiness
But I know the One in whom my soul finds rest

(Chorus)

I can't map it out or tell exactly how
This miracle is, but I'm certain that it has come to be
And I know that there's still quite a way to go,
Before I'm like You, but I know You're working patiently...
...on me, cause I see Your hand in my life
And I'm grateful
That You've changed me

Changed... not the same... rearranged, loosened from the chains... You spoke my name.

(Chorus)

I wake up in the morning, thankful for my yesterdays...

a song.

2008-01-13T22:14:00.000-08:00

Black and white, day and night
Oh, the differences between the two
Death and life, wrong and right
They make me think of how it is with me and You
You are my God of contrast

Cause if I never saw the depth of my sin
I wouldn't know what it means to sing of amazing grace
If You never let me fall down and picked me up again
I couldn't comprehend the joy of looking up into Your face
It's the darkness of my heart that makes Yours stand alone in beauty...
Can I be beautiful, too?

Depths of wells, darkness swells
It is here I see Your stars more clearly
Purest light, love divine
You reached way down, began to heal me
You, my God of beautiful contrast

And it's here in the corner of my twisted heart
You take my hand and place it on Your scars
The hands and feet that bore my sins away
Then You pick me up and take me in Your arms
You say, "Let's go home, it isn't very far;
Do You see now how perfect my love for You is?"

With a tear in my eye, I barely speak...

"Lord, if I never saw the depth of my sin
I wouldn't know what it means to sing of Your grace
If You never let me fall down and picked me up again
I couldn't comprehend the joy of looking up into Your face.
It's the darkness of my heart that makes Yours stand alone in beauty...

Can I be beautiful like You?"

why the jank...

2008-01-07T01:13:00.000-08:00

...am i still up at 4:15 in the morning? i'll tell you why:

wonderful friends who don't get to spend much time together during the semester and long nights of good conversations.

i like the encouraging friendships the best.

so after the last entry i wrote, liz and i had breakfast with my grandmother and grandaddy the next morning. my grandaddy has parkinson's disease and worsens by the day and my grandmother spends the vast majority of her time caring for him, so they don't enjoy many visitors or time to talk.

after we had breakfast we went into the living room where my grandmother used to read to me when i was a kid. she sat in the chair she's always sat in and my grandaddy sat in his chair, fighting the urge for the mid-morning nap.

the conversation was sporadic yet steady as usual, ranging from questions of "what's so-and-so doing now?" to reflections on my childhood. that's always one of my grandmother's favorite topics... talking about what my sister and i were like when we were small.

the conversation eventually rolled around (somehow) to my mom's hearing problem when she was a child. until the age of five my mom couldn't speak properly (or "speak plain" in my grandmother's words) and one doctor finally diagnosed the problem as tonsilitis. somehow the swelling of my mom's tonsils had impaired her hearing to the point where she didn't hear words as they should be and therefore spoke only what she heard.

my grandmother went on to explain how after my mom had her tonsils removed, she would sit with my mom once a day for about half an hour and sound out words for my mom to repeat back to her. this went on for quite some time... all so my mom would be able to do such a simple task as speak correctly.

as my grandmother continued her story i couldn't help but think of the blog i'd written only 10 hours earlier about how frustrated i was with myself... and i began to tear up.

i choked the tears back, of course.

but i allowed myself to dwell on the story a little longer...

a mother who patiently and diligently sat with her daughter every day for an extended period of time, repeating the same things to have them repeated and bearing enough patience to teach a child such a basic function as speech.

to think that my grandmother would care so much for my mother that she would correct such small problems with steadfast patience, love, and diligence...

"So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?"

"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

"The saved sinner is prostrate in adoration, lost in wonder and praise. He knows repentance is not what we do in order to earn forgiveness; it is what we do because we have been forgiven."

"How difficult it is to be honest, to accept that I am unacceptable, to renounce self-justification, to give up the pretense that my prayers, spiritual insight, tithing, and successes in ministry have made me pleasing to God! No antecedent beauty enamors me in His eyes...

...I am lovable only because He loves me."

alleluia.

the boy v. the cynic

2008-01-02T22:21:00.000-08:00

can't claim the title. it's the name of john reuben's cd prior to "word of mouth," but it seemed fitting for my state of mind as of late.

i don't know why i haven't capitalized anything in this post yet... but i kinda like it for some reason. what can i say, i'm a non-conformist...

isn't that kind of like saying you're non-denominational? i dunno.

so i've been reading my friend's blogs about new years resolutions and reflections of last year. so i felt the pressure to do my own new year's blog.

...what am i supposed to say?

i wish i could come up with some super spiritual, heart-felt, convicting, relatable statement about what i want out of myself for this next year or what i expect. in the same way i wish i could reflect over the past year and see areas where i have grown and where God (there's some capitalization for you... good ole' Yahweh always gets the special treatment in my writing) has sharpened away some of my rougher edges. even as i began to think about writing this entry i would browse through my psyche searching for just the right words to say and just the right assessments of the year to make so that I would convince people i'm a good christian and someone they should look up to.

truth be told, i can't do any of that.

i can't make some sort of resolution about the year because i'm a self-motivated person... and seldom am i more self motivated to fulfill resolutions as i am to make them. i'm the king of mapping out what needs to happen only to neglect that map and instead pursue what i want to happen.

selfish pride, anyone?

i can't reflect on the past year and see how much i have grown or how i have been sharpened. i have learned a lot, yes... i'm much more versed in theological jargon than i was a year ago and i have a better grip on what it means to believe that God is truly in control... but if this would be the proverbial one step forward, my actions would be the two steps back.

...make that three.

why is it that the more i learn about Him, the less i live for Him? is that not straight up wackbards? what does it take to move knowledge from my hard drive to my lifestyle?

why is it harder to be patient? why is it harder to keep my thoughts pure? why do i treat the ones i love most progressively worse than i used to? why do i not possess the motivation or determination to read scripture regularly or even have a healthy prayer life?

why are all the simple things so immensely complicated for me?

why do i fail daily at everything i thought i knew almost 5 years ago when God called me into ministry?

i almost said maybe it's a lesson in humility, but isn't that just another cop-out? "oh it's okay if i suck at life now... it'll give me reason to be humble later."

humility... i don't even know what that means. on the guatemala trip i admitted to my teammates that there is very little (if anything) i do that is void of selfish ambition and vain conceit. even in typing this a small part of me hopes that maybe i'll be praised for being honest and blunt about my struggles... how messed up is that? can i not even express my thoughts without bowing my head for the chance that someone might pat my back?

i don't even know.

i just want to be real. i don't want to talk on and on about God and live like i don't even know Him. everyone in scripture who ever had an encounter with God was radically changed forever... where is my change?

...most of it's on my dresser. i save it for a rainy day to take it to bi-lo and get cash.

seriously. and where should the line between the need for divine intervention and personal decision be drawn? i know i need to pray for change... but how do i make that happen? can i make that happen? is it all dependent on God? is it at all dependent on God?

effin theological intellectual arrogance of mine. as if i'm even that smart.

grier parrott would call me debbie downer. i guess she would be right... but seriously, how do i change my own heart?

a good baptist preacher would tell me i need a spiritual quadruple bypass or something like that. i'm sure they'd think of a clever way to make it into a three point alliteration.

i want Him to be all i want. nothing else.

chris tomlin wrote "all of you is more than enough for all of me..."

i personally think anyone that sings that is a liar (but i'm not calling chris tomlin a liar... just saying i struggle with the lyric)... if that were true, we'd live differently. that's the cynic in me.

the boy in me prays that i'll be able to sing that in spirit and in truth some day.

"our souls are restless until they rest in you." -augustine

Los Estados Unidos

2007-12-18T12:27:00.000-08:00

Well it's the Tuesday after we got back from Guatie... which was simply amazing. Our flight got back in to GSP around 11:30 Saturday night and I got back in Union just around 1 AM.

I count myself so blessed to have been able to go on that trip and be part of the incredible work God is already doing through Shalom Baptist Church in Guatemala and what He did through the team that went December 7-15.

I've been struggling with what to write about on here since I got back because I feel like God taught me so much while I was down there. Now that I'm actually writing, I still don't know what to write...

I guess I could pick up where I left off, huh?

I was right to feel like I wasn't prepared and that I hadn't readied my heart or mind for that trip. I needed to not expect anything and be open to everything.

The first few days were great... we went toured the church Friday, went to an orphanage on Saturday (where I met Gabriel... I love that little boy), church on Sunday and then toured Paradise that afternoon... and then on Monday God revealed to me why He led me back to Guatemala...

Because God DID lead me back. Just because I didn't pray about it like I should have or anything else doesn't mean I had the power to "thwart the plan of a sovereign God" as Greg likes to say.

I think Greg has a point.

I was a bit discouraged when we got down there because I found out that our primary goal (and really only goal) for the week was to work on the soccer stadium for Global Soccer Ministries. No backyard Bible clubs, no passing out Guatemalan salvation tracts, no inviting people to Shalom for the Wednesday night service...

Digging dirt. Moving rocks. Killing snakes. This is what we had been called to do.

...all for the glory of God? Seriously?

Two things changed my heart. First the pastor told us the story of a team from Oklahoma who spent an entire week digging a hole. No evangelism... just digging a hole.

A year later a member of the team returned to see 200+ kids being served meals they don't get at home from a kitchen that stood in a hole which had been dug just a year earlier.

Second, we visited an elderly man with diabetes who wanted nothing more than to improve the lives of the children in his neighborhood and use soccer as the primary tool to achieve that goal. We went to his house to pray with him, and these were his words...

"I feel important because you are here."

Are you serious?

Because I'M here?

With everything in me I wanted to know just enough Spanish to say back to him, "Sir, if anything WE have been made important because we have been blessed to meet you and be a part of your vision for Paradise (the name of the area we worked in)."

So as Monday began and I moved from sealing the stadium with cement to digging out steps from where the retaining wall had fallen, God humbled my heart. Broke my pride.

I don't care if I ever get to lead worship again, ever sing my songs for another person, ever get to speak God's word in front of people, ever take another beautiful picture, ever make another movie, or do anything I get credit for.

I don't care if I ever get another "thank you" in my life.

If all I do for the rest of my life is pick up a shovel and move dirt, knowing that it is what God has called me to do and that it will go to further His kingdom...

If that's all, that's more than enough.

My prayer is that I would no longer seek what makes me most happy or fulfilled, what I'm best at, what people tell me I should do... but simply what God would have me to do.

May I seek first His kingdom, not my own.

22 hours, 24 minutes, and counting...

2007-12-06T17:05:00.000-08:00

...until we depart for Guatemala. I'm excited, of course, but I'm not going to lie... I'm also terrified.

I'm in the habit of putting my own motives under the microscope, which is good... but I always examine those motives after I've acted on them to make some sort of decision. That's not good.

So I've been sitting here for the past hour, reading my journal from last year's trip and watching the video I made when I came back... and I can't help but think of why I'm really going. I feel like I'm going completely for myself.

Have I really been called back? Did I really pray about this and ask God for guidance, or did I just act assuming that this must be what I'm supposed to do over Christmas Break again? Can I even know that for sure?

Maybe not.

I feel like my heart is so unprepared and I'm so far from where I need to be for this trip. I fear I will be ineffective in encouraging my teammates, communicating the gospel, and engaging the great commission.

22 hours, 20 minutes, and counting...

I never finished my journal from last year... I even wrote an entry with a half-arse summary and claimed I would finish it later. The proceeding pages were left blank until today... so I thought I'd blog a conclusion '06/beginning '07. Here it is:

My incredibly gracious heavenly Father... One I do not understand and deserve far less... thank You for taking me to Guatemala last year. Thank you for teaching me that the prostitute I met in Sector 7, Madeline (the little girl from San Miguel), all those children in the AIDs hospital, the Mafia that runs the dump in the inner city, and I all have a great deal in common.

We desperately, intensely need You.

I need You now.

Not long from now I'll be stepping the first plane of our connecting flight to Guatemala. All semester I've been writing about You, making movies about You, taking pictures of Your handy-work, even discussing Your attributes with my closest friends... but I feel like I am so far from knowing You. I have spent virtually no time with You besides that which is dedicated to preparation for worship or those instances where I literally had no where else to turn.

I repent.

Break my heart now, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.

my Redeemer.

No longer do I ask for wisdom. No longer do I ask for eloquent words to express my relationship with You in song. No longer do I ask for affirmation in what to do with my life. No longer do I ask for any of these things.

all i want is for You to be all i want.

obliterate my idols.

obliterate my pride.

remove me.

please.

faith... love... worship... adoration... humility... brokenness... selflessness...

"i must decrease. He must increase."
-John The Baptist

2007-12-02T11:44:00.001-08:00

This will be a soapbox entry.

I am absolutely exhausted by the number of "Christian" responses to the upcoming film, The Golden Compass. If you live under a rock and haven't heard, apparently the third of the books in Pullman's trilogy (of which The Golden Compass is the first) ends with the two main characters killing a character called God who actually turned out to not be God.

Christians are pissed because Pullman wrote a book where they kill God...

1. It's fiction. Sweet mercy, it is fiction.

2. Why this movie?

Should we even address the laundry list of our beloved Disney movies which promote other religions and faiths that stand in direct opposition to Christianity in the real world?

Yeah... let's do that.

How bout the classic, Fantasia, and the sorcery in it? Or the promotion of Greek mythology?

What about the mysticism and witchcraft of The Black Cauldron, Sleeping Beauty, or The Sword In The Stone?

How about the Animistic Tribalism of Pocahontas and Brother Bear? The Lion King?

What about the presence of Islam in the movie Aladdin? The Sultan even proclaims "Praise Allah!"

Please understand: I am not making a case for another boycott of Disney. I think there are much more important things for Christians to focus on in the world... like obeying Christ's commands rather than acting as His rabid defense lawyers.

I love these Disney movies and will hopefully watch them with my own children someday... they are JUST movies, works of fiction. Maybe I'm ignorant, but did anyone rag the authors of these stories?

Ugh.

3. Did we not learn our lesson with The Da Vinci Code? No doubt ticket sales of The Golden Compass will be that much more due to the attention it's been given from the boycott of the Christian subculture.

4. If Pullman is not a believer and his works have attracted a following of people who also are unbelievers, how on God's green earth does this portray The Gospel to them?

Are we communicating grace by lashing out against a man who does not know Christ? Are we seeking to make disciples by boycotting and publicly condemning these books? What are we accomplishing in our reaction to this man's writings?

We are thickening the wall between the church and world.

Sweet, we're supposed to be "in not of" aren't we? Set apart and all that?

Yeah... but how in the world can we claim to be in the world if we've shut out everything that isn't Christian to the point where we've created our own subculture full of people who we agree with and will picket with us against those with whom we have problems?

Please, examine your motives. My friend Charlie used the cheap cliche "What Would Jesus Do?," but I submit that it's a very appropriate question to ask.

I can't help but think that those of us picking up pen and paper, signs, and our laptops to lash out at this "godlessness" of Philip Pullman are cut from the same cloth as the Pharisees of the New Testament who damned anyone that didn't live up to their rules and regulations.

May we take salt and light to the world, not attack it with a machine gun of "truth."

-Joshua

It must be different...

2007-11-24T16:17:00.000-08:00

It's a song by Sanctus Real that I was listening to today. The chorus goes:

"It must be different through Your eyes,
cause You look at me like it's the first time
That You've ever seen my face..."

Isn't it easy to find someone else's words to better express what you supposedly feel in your heart?

Welcome to Hallmark Greeting Cards, ladies and gentlemen.

Seriously, this is how I live my life. I come to some emotional experience in my life and struggle to find a compelling song, a substantial quote, a captivating snapshot to convey what was, at one time, an original emotion. For some reason I lack the capacity to put things into my own words, to claim ownership to things such as feelings, to accept responsibility for my own thoughts.

Other people say it better, I reckon.

Other people don't say "I reckon."

Well... I reckon some people do. Andy Griffith maybe.

This brings me to a struggle in my prayer life. I feel like a broken record so often when I speak to God... opening with the same lines of thanks (though sometimes with a new conjunction or multi-syllable synonym for a often used word), proceeding to a prolonged confession of how cruddy I am, and the ever-present gratitude for salvation despite myself. Then of course, there's the apology for not being grateful enough. Then the apology for apologizing so much. Then the realization that I should be repenting, not apologizing.

Then I apologize for not repenting. Seriously.

So I resort to the recall of David's Psalms or a earnest quote from Brennan Manning or perhaps a particularly moving portion of music from the latest Hillsong CD. Not that all this is bad... but when it replaces genuine exchange with God that should happen in our prayer lives...

...my prayer life...

then it's a problem.

This is getting long, sorry. I told myself all my entries wouldn't be as long winded as the last.

I want to end with a prayer if thats OK with you, non-existent reader.

Father, may I never replace my relationship with You with the reciting of someone else's faith. I want to be genuinely compelled by Your truth and love to speak of You in both word and action, inside and outside of conversation with You. I want to spend time with You more than ever before, and I pray that time will consist largely of You shaping my heart into one that mirrors Yours.

Amen.

Drying my hair again...

2007-11-22T11:46:00.000-08:00

...is weird. I haven't had enough hair to actually dry in probably four years. Still not sure how I feel about that.

Anyway that's neither here nor there, so let's move on to more interesting things.

It's good to be back home... I don't think I've been here for a sufficient amount of time since mid-September, so it's been a while coming. RAing, RUFing (haha... Fing...), etc. keeps me at school much more than the past two years. Oh yeah, I do schoolwork sometimes too.

Actually... not so much. I get done what I need to, though.

Another pro of the break has been catching up with some of my closest friends... namely Mitch and TJ. I miss them both and rarely get to see either, though I'm in more consistent contact with Mitch.

I met TJ in downtown G-vegas for some Mellow Mushrooming Tuesday night, and I got a call on the way back to my truck to let me know that my ipod refurb was in... which is another story in and of itself.

Side-lesson: Best Buy customer service sucks. Apple is more reliable and their warranty is cheaper, too.

Anyway on the way to Spartanburg after going back to Anderson to pick up my ipod (because I need it THAT bad... yeah, I'm that American) I was listening to Sara Groves' new CD while waiting on my ipod to finish syncing w/ simba. The song "When The Saints" came on, and to be completely honest I had previously skimmed over the song as a mediocre effort on Groves' part to appease the CCM industry. I wasn't impressed by it at all.

Back up, home slice. I have some exposition I forgot about.

Most of the time I was with TJ we talked about what God's been doing in our lives all semester. A great deal of that had to do with perseverance, which has been a huge theme for me lately. I'm learning more and more that as a believer my walk is much more about the walk itself rather than how enthusiastic I was in my first step or when I took it.

I get so hung up on the past and whether I was "saved" when I was baptized at 9, broken at camp for the first time at 12, or called into ministry when I was 16 that I forget about how scripture teaches that God is a God who works all things for His purposes and glory from beginning to end! My life in Christ is much more of a journey than it is a destination... and of course I realize how cliche that is but this is where I am right now!

So often I become frustrated with myself because I continue to give into temptations I know can be avoided and thus begin a period of what I call "spiritual self-mutilation" where I do nothing but beat myself up internally for not being able to live a perfect life.

OF COURSE I CAN'T LIVE A PERFECT LIFE!!! WELCOME TO THE NEED FOR GRACE!!!

Seriously, why is that so hard to grasp and hold on to?

End random exposition.

So I'm driving to Spartanburg around exit 60 (so I was close) and this song comes on. And for the first time, I listen to it...

"When I'm weary and overwrought,
With so many battles left unfought...

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom, rising to the stars
I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharaoh's court
I hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord
And when the saints go marching in, I want to be one of them...

I see the long quiet walk along the underground railroad
I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul
I see the young missionary and the angry spear
I see his family returning with no trace of fear
I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights
I see the sister standing by the dying man's side
I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
I see the man with a passion come kicking down that door
I see the man of sorrow and His long troubled road
I see the world on His shoulders and my easy load

And when the saints go marching in... I want to be one of them"

Basically I cried for the first time in a while. I came close when I watched Pursuit of Happyness the other night... but this did me in.

I know I'm emotional. Make fun and I will cut you.

So welcome to perseverance, right? That's why Paul was all about it and that's one of the major themes in Revelation... running the race.

I do realize a lot of this probably just seems straight up cheesy. I'm OK with that... this is just what God's teaching me right now.

There's such a delicate balance needed of knowing that this work Christ began in me will take my entire lifetime, yet pressing on as if tomorrow is the day when I'm able to abide with Him apart from my sin.

So this is why I named my blog what I did...

Dull iron in need of sharpening.

Hurts when you sharpen, sometimes. Most times.

But that's OK... because after you're sharpened, you can cut people who make fun of you for being emotionally sensitive.

(-:

-Joshua

Bloggin' it up

2007-11-21T09:16:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my attempt to make sense out of life on a regular basis.

Funny... when I was thinking about starting this yesterday I told myself, "You do not need to write as if people will read, but rather as if this is simply cathartic for you and a means of sorting things out."

Yet here I am, once again addressing the non-existent reader.

I'll work on that... that's it for now. I'll write more later when I have time to process.

-Crocker